Start when you can't
It's been 4 years since my scattered Gemini brain had an impulse to share my thoughts through a blog post. I always have the impulse to write, I don't always have the drive to finish.
So here I am, showing up when I thought I couldn't. Ignoring the banter in the back of my brain and writing because I can, because I should. More importantly, writing because I must. Communication is imperative for human life. We use one another to figure out what has happened, is happening, or might happen. The unknown is scary to us, and having some sort of rule book eases the tension around not knowing. Yet the place within myself that is deeply unsure is where I have birthed some of my most creative thoughts. The more I vulnerably share, the more I learn.
Through struggles of depression, anxiety, and normal human self-sabotage; I've found that it is in the darkest of places within my soul that I can find my sanctuary and inspiration. It is only after I have repeatedly pushed myself so far and broken so many of my own rules, that I begin to think,
"Well you've finally done it, you've done everything wrong for so long that life as we know it is indeed over. You've failed."
And I die.
Oh wait, that's not it.
There goes my ego again.
She's quite dramatic, as you could imagine.
Fortunately, I'm not that lucky. I won't be getting out anytime soon whether it's by means of cowardice, failure, or neutrality. I am having way too much fun in this messy life to cut the lecture short now.
As often as I fear I'm not living fully enough, I still feel deeply. I don't write every day, yet people tell me my words mean something to them. I certainly don't sing every day, although I'm a singer, yet I can still tell the story in a way that moves an audience. I'm not perfect, but I show up and I try when I am called to.
So what happens when we hush the chatter around why we haven't done enough?
What happens when we ignore the voice that tells us we haven't done what our spirit is being called to do in the 'correct' way?
When the judgement falls away and the work is all that's left.
Can productivity exist without judgement?
Perhaps we immerse ourselves in a more saturated and fulfilling life this way.
One check mark is not the answer.
is never it.
Life is constant and multi-faceted.
One thing does not equate success or happiness.
Life is a culmination of showing up, and trying, and trying again, and being proud of yourself while still encouraging more growth. If it's never enough, how can you enjoy it while it is at all? Let it be, instead of worrying why it isn't.
My point is not to abandon your diligence in practicing your passion or craft, but rather embrace the moments when they come to you without questioning their motives. Things that are really worth having in life will not constantly offer themselves like low-hanging fruit.
The things we crave the most (music, love, family, joy) come from deep lack in the first place. The cravings are not what create pain, but lack of fulfilling these cravings does.
It is not the desires themselves that wrap us in their ecstasy, but the fear that we will not have them. Living under a story of 'needing' it in order to be whole.
The fear that we are not enough as it is.
And you are enough.
When you forget, or miss a step.
When you mess up or cross the line.
When you learn.
You are enough.
When you learn something new.
When you finish something great.
When you sweat till it's done.
You are enough.
When you don't want to do a damn thing but just be.
You are enough.
Because you are enough, as you are, in this very moment. And always.